A topic not for the Humor-Impaired

[David C. Murray]

It cannot have escaped everyone’s attention that an obvious link has emerged between Santa Claus and the National Security Agency. (“He’s making a list and checking it twice. He’s going to find out who’s naughty and nice . . .” (Sound familiar?))

 

That, and reflecting on the Pogo (“We have met the enemy and they are us.”) Christmas carols published in the 1950s and 1960s by their creator, Walt Kelly, in his widely syndicated comic strip of the same name, caused me to think that the time has come to update a seasonal classic. Herewith is a modest example . . .

Uncle Sam-ta Claus is Coming to Town

(Sung to the tune of Santa Claus is Coming to Town)

Oh, you better not shout.

You better not pout.

‘Cause Uncle Sam-ta has an eye in the sky.

And your privacy is a great big, fat lie.

They know when you are sleepin’.

(Ewwww!)

They know when you’re awake.

They know when you have toed the line,

so toe it for goodness’ sake.

They’ve made up their lists.

And you’re on ‘em twice.

They have you listed

Both “naughty” and “nice”.

Uncle Sam-ta Claus is coming to town.

Oh, you better not shout.

You better not pout.

You better not joke.

And you better not cry or

the TSA might not let you fly.

They know what’s in your luggage.

They see what’s up your skirt.

You’re welcome to a pat down but

they promise that their scanners won’t hurt.

^{(Much. Soon. Anything important. So they say.)}

They have this great big list.

If you’re on it you’re out of luck.

And if you’re name’s Mohammad,

you really ought to change it to Chuck.

Yes, Uncle Sam-ta Claus is all over town.

Oh, you better not shout.

You better not pout.

Better not send an email,

or even a text.

The NSA’s tech is so high tha-at

they know what you’re gonna do next.

They have you on their radar.

They listen to your calls.

And if they think they hear something,

they’ll have you by the throat.

(Hey, it’s a family song.)

Uncle Sam-ta Claus is all over town.

Oh, you better not shout.

Better not try to hide.

The IRS is not on your side.

The auditor is coming for you.

They know all your offshore accounts.

They know what’s in your pocket.

And if you don’t declare the penny jar,

to you they’re sure to sock it.

Uncle Sam-ta Claus is coming for you.

Oh, you better not cry.

You better not wail.

Or you could wake up in some secret jail.

^{(In Egypt, Bulgaria or God knows where.)}

The CIA is watching you.

They have their spies up in the sky.

They talk with the NSA.

They’re buddy-buddy with the FBI.

And they run Guantanamo Bay.

Yes, Uncle Sam-ta Claus is all over town.

Oh, you better not shout.

You better not pout.

‘Cause Uncle Sam-ta Claus has an eye in the sky.

And your privacy is a great big, fat lie.

They know when you are sleepin’.

They know when you’re awake.

They know when you have toed the line,

so toe it for goodness’ sake.

Happy Holidays, everyone!

 

Edited December 20, 2013 by David C. Murray